Contending with the Warrior (Part 3)
This is Part 3 to a series where I am exploring the relationships between language, culture, and individual identity. In Particular, I am pondering how the inherent violence contained in many of the words of our language is shaping how we interact with the world, and I am considering how to find another way…
In part 2 of this series, I asked:
When we name something, what connotations and values are we embedding into our perception of it?
If we use the term “warrior” are we referring to esteemed values of strength, boundaries, boldness, courage, etc.? Or are we also carrying along, embedded in the term, a paradigm of violence, war, fighting as the answer to conflict, and destruction?
And subsequently, when we describe our values do we reflexively use words with violent undertones? Do we shy away from words describing peace, love, kindness, and healing because we perceive them as being weak, impractical, or naive?
I posited that true strength and power are aspects of love, kindness, and the connection with nature, but that these values have been misappropriated by the dominant, warrior culture and paradigm. I then suggested that one step toward healing ourselves and our planet is to take back the words and values such as “power” and reinforce their associations with the “softer” side of ourselves - that of love and kindness.
Such a paradigm shift can and probably must start with each individual. So, today I would like to explore how to take a deeper look inside our own programming in order to change the course of our individual lives…
Here’s a few steps you may choose to take if you wish to shift towards that paradigm:
In the first post of this series, I suggested we begin to notice where we were using and hearing language with violent undertones (of course, sometimes it’s very obvious, direct, and overt as well, but the hidden, covert messages of language is what tends to slip past our consciousness). This time, set an intention over the next few days to note your relationship to “soft” words - words of kindness, peace, cooperation, gentleness, healing, etc.
What is your mind’s reaction, your first thoughts, when someone, or you yourself, uses more loving words?
If there’s no counter-reaction, great! Keep acknowledging and building the habit of that way of communicating.
However, notice if there is a voice that says things like: “Well, that won’t work.”, “You’ll be taken advantage of,” “What’s the catch?”, “There must be an ulterior motive,” “You’ll just get hurt again,” “Sure, hippie.” “You’re just dreaming”, “Oh please, that’s so cheesy,” etc, etc., etc…
If that’s the case, you may have some cultural programming telling you that kindness, peace, and love are weak ways of moving in the world. You may also have some verifiable life experience that caused you hurt and trauma from which the mind is trying to protect you from experiencing again. In either case, it’s wise not to create a counterforce to that voice by “fighting” it or bypassing it pretending to feel something else. That way doesn’t work. Rather, simply becoming aware of that voice can be enough to defuse it’s hold on you.
Two techniques for helping to shift patterns of thought are:
Become aware of the thought you had (ie: “His niceness just shows he’s weak.”). Repeat the thought in your head. Then add the phrase “I notice that I’m thinking the thought….” (ie: “I notice that I’m thinking the thought - his niceness just shows he’s weak.”) Repeat that a few times.
Then, notice if your relationship to the thought has shifted. How do you feel about it?Usually there’s a cluster of thoughts with similar messages. In this case, it may be helpful to create a label for them (ie: That’s my inner cynic.) and the sillier the label, the better (ie: That’s my Dopey the Dog voice).
These techniques are not to dismiss the voice or the thoughts, but rather to shift your relationship to them so that you have more space and choice as to how you intend to be.
Once you’ve gained a little space from immediately believing or reacting to those thoughts, it is often helpful to think of the voice of those thoughts to be a character (Who could be anything: you at a particular age, another person, animal, cartoon image, etc.). Notice how you feel about that character. This is a part of yourself, and the first step toward a more peaceful world is learning compassion and acceptance for all parts of ourselves. You might imagine simply being with that part for a while, observing it, and letting it be and act as it is - knowing you do not have to believe or act on anything it says. You might engage in a conversation with that character. Assume that no matter the language or behavior of the character, it is trying to help you and get some need met…
So, you might ask this part of you:
What do you want?
Who are you trying to protect? (That might be another part you can identify)
How are you trying to help?
What messages do you have for me?
What do you really need to feel safe?
Just as with most people in the physical world, in the inner realm of yourself, your parts may start to relax and calm down when they know they’re accepted and listened to. How you move from there you may decide together….
Just one more tip for this post, a little short cut if you will, for stepping toward a new paradigm:
When you hear either words of force (tones of violence and destruction) or words of power (tones of love and creativity), check in with your body. How does your body react? Not the voices in your mind, mind you, but the physical body itself…
Toward which words does the body react with: tension, rigidity, pain, collapse of its posture, revulsion, shifting away, tightness of breath, jitteriness, etc.
Toward which words does the body react with: relaxation, softness, calm, taking up more space, attraction, learning towards, deeper breaths, stillness, etc.
These are just a few words to describe possible bodily reactions. In general, whatever makes the body feel restricted, caged, and bad will most certainly be a lie and bad for you; and whatever makes the body feel alive, free, and good will most certainly be true and good for you. The body can become a compass indicating that which it wants more of and that which it wants less of around it. And, like a compass showing us which way is true north, we can learn to follow the body compass in the direction toward a better, more peaceful, joyful, loving life.
But start simply by noticing your reaction to words (especially of softness and power) this week. Check in with both your mind and body. And be sure to let me know how it goes!