Finding Your “Why”
“It’s not what you do, but why you do it”
- paraphrasing Simon Sinek
Simon Sinek , in his book Start With Why, his statement is actually “People don’t buy what you do, they buy why you do it”. He is mainly talking about finding success and gathering a following as a business, but I believe understanding that statement can help put you into flow and alignment with the life you desire as well.
As a kid, I was encouraged to learn the piano. I hated it. At first, I never practiced and eventually my parents made a deal with me that I could quit but only after I had progressed to level 5 of the lesson book. After much struggle I made it, but a curious thing happened… I began to like the music I could play. I could also see the possibility of playing more complex pieces which opened up a whole new level of enjoyment.
In the context of “why”, when I first started, I didn’t have a clear reason take piano lessons. There was an abstract notion that learning to appreciate music and develop the skill of playing an instrument had value… but abstractions don’t tend to inspire motivation. It was only when I had the experience of enjoying the music I could play, that I developed an intrinsic reason for continuing to practice.
As I approached college age, I endeavored to play more difficult pieces by Rachmaninov, Chopin, Debussy and the like. Whenever I practiced, painful aches and tension crept up in my shoulders and neck. I became discouraged and frustrated, and over time, as other interests took priority, I played piano less and less.
If I reflect on my “why” for playing piano at that time, I had lost the simple enjoyment of the music and focused more on “getting better.” Getting better, doing more, being perfect, etc. can all be derived from the shaming sense of “not enough” that many of us carry. They often lead to burn out.
I didn’t know it at the time, but the tension and aches in the body were signals that something between my body and mind was out of alignment.
On the other hand, from a young age I also learned to ski. I loved it. No one had to bargain with me to do it. I looked forward to going up into and then sliding down those mountains as much as I could. Even though I may have had a propensity for it, skiing, just like piano, is a skill that, if you want to improve your ability, generally requires you to practice, study, and spend many hours experiencing it. So, I took lessons, watched videos at home, and although I was having fun in the moments of skiing down the slopes, I was simultaneously and constantly working on my technique.
Somehow, even though I was focused on getting better, the “why” behind the skiing practice seemed different from the piano. For skiing, it was rooted in my innate joy and enthusiasm for it, and my practice seemed more akin to what is called “the rage to master”. This is a state observed in children working deeply on a problem such as learning to walk, and also in artists who get obsessively immersed in a project. It may also be called the state of “flow” where one lets go of the ego’s sense of self consciousness and gets so focused on the task at hand that one loses the sense of time. In this state, you may be struggling to figure something out, master a skill, or solve a problem, but you’re not suffering. Rather, you’re filled with enthusiasm, focus, and a deep desire to improve at the task.
Do you know your reason for engaging in any activity?
There are many things in our lives that are passed down from culture, family, and social groups that seem so matter-of-fact, so ingrained into the fabric of our society, that we may not realize there could be other options out there. In these cases, we may not even think to ask why we do them, even though they may run contrary to our essential selves.
In cases where you’re unsure, or asking why doesn’t seem to bring up satisfactory answers, it’s helpful to go beyond the logical parts of the brain, and tap into the wisdom of the body:
Ask yourself if your reason for doing something is coming from an external or internal source?
Innate motivations will always be more powerful in the long run than external sources such as parents, peer groups, or the culture at large.When you participate in any activity, how does your body feel?
Do you feel tension, aches, pain, discomfort? Or do you feel relaxed and/or energized? A sensation of contraction in the body? Or a sensation of opening up?When you just think about the activity:
Do you feel your body either leaning in toward it or attempting to back away?
Does your energy level rise or fall?
Do you seem to feel focused or scattered and distracted?
Looking into your body may not immediately give you a logically articulated statement of why, but like a compass, it will certainly start pointing you in the right direction.
Use it to evaluate:
Is this the right action to take now?
Do I want to do this thing?
Is it necessary?
Is there another way that would feel better?
When you act without a clear sense of why, it’s sort of like wandering without a destination: you may get to some cool places, but you might just go in circles, find yourself stuck, or lose all motivation for the journey itself. Beautiful discoveries can be had by surrendering to where life takes us. However, without your own compass, it can be tempting to latch onto someone else’s “why”. You might be able to function that way, for a while, but you’ll likely end up creating more dysfunction and misery for yourself.
Something I’m trying to remind myself often:
Knowing why you do what you do will help you communicate, problem solve, and maintain your sense of direction in alignment with the life that’s right for you.
More on this next time…