Sometimes we have no choice in the matter- change happens and it comes bigly and suddenly. The loss of a job, divorce, a death, or a natural disaster… when these things come, it does no good (at this stage) to wonder if you didn’t listen close enough to the subtle whispers of the universe (see last post), but there’s a reckoning and a grieving that need to happen as you gain your bearings and figure out how to move forward. 

The problem is when change feels cataclysmic, it sends our nervous system into overdrive - into a flight, fight, freeze or fawn state - in which it’s nearly impossible to see a clear path forward. 

So how do we ride this wave of change when it feels so big and dangerous? 

Understand (as the Serenity prayer reminds us) that some things are not in our control - the event itself, our pain, our thoughts, and even our emotions are often not in our control. One thing we can control is our willingness to experience what is happening. 

Many sources tell us - whether grief experts, yogic teachings, philosophers, to modern psychology - that our resistance is what amplifies and prolongs our suffering while preventing us from moving on. 

A willingness to turn toward our experience is what helps us grieve better, feel more fully, and live through what is happening. 

This does not seem to come naturally (at least for many). But it can be practiced. 

A few tips that can help “turn up the dial” on your willingness are: 

• Broaden your awareness: take in all of your surroundings and notice details like color, shape, and space between you and the objects around you. 

• Take an inventory of your body: even if some parts are hurting, notice the internal sensations of as many parts of your body as you can. 

• Bring awareness to your breathing.

• Feel your feet on the ground. 

By increasing your spatial and internal awareness, you center into the present moment from which it is easier to manage whatever is happening. 

Once you find yourself with more present centered awareness, see if you can engage in some “kind internal self talk” (or KIST as Martha Beck calls it): 

• literally talk to yourself with soothing words as you would to a distressed child: 

• “It’s ok.” “I’ve got you.” “You can handle this.” “You’re doing your best.” “I see you.” 

This kind of talk actually calms down the stressed flight or flight responses in our brains. 

At this point, you might be able to turn toward the hard “cataclysmic” experience. And don't’ try to change it yet. Be with it. Practice turning up your willingness. See what it’s asking you to feel and let it move through you. 

However, If you’re still in resistance mode, it can be helpful to practice some perspective flexibility. When a situation or event feels like it’s right up in your face and it’s all you can see - of course, you’ll react and either fight, struggle, or shut down. But if you can turn to the present moment, notice your whole environment, talk to yourself kindly, and then take in a broader sense of yourself, you may be able to let the moment and feelings move through you with more grace. So see if you can practice saying to yourself something akin to: 

“I am experiencing this thing, I have this thing, I am not this thing, I contain this thing.”

The goal of willingness is not necessarily to feel better (yet), but rather to FEEL better - which is to say to develop the capacity to feel all things better. 

“To be willing and accepting means noticing that you are the sky, not the clouds; the ocean, not the waves. It means noticing that you are large enough to contain all of your experiences, just as the sky can contain any cloud and the ocean any wave.”
- Stephen Hayes 

I hope this helps…